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Well, that did not go as planned.
Mirage did, Mirage came off without a hitch. He can't wait to see the broadcast version; he wasn't always 100% sure what the cameras were doing, just when he needed to look at one. It was amazing and they took first easily.
And then... Well, at least he can't say 云与海 didn't go well. It just didn't go according to plan.
They'd rehearsed it plenty. They had it down. Both of them being as gut-wrenching as possible, but not about each other. Wei Wuxian even motioned to Lan Wangji while singing to the audience at the line 别忘了 它们的爱而 不得(Don't forget, their love cannot be allowed).
Then during the actual performance, they made it just fine through Lan Zhan's verse, then the chorus that was first Wei Wuxian then Lan Zhan coming in with harmonies. But then on Lan Zhan's second verse... Both times through the verse during rehearsals, Wei Wuxian had looked over at him sadly, like "oh man look at that poor sap" kind of sadness. But this time, while he was watching Lan Zhan during the line 怕惊扰你从此远离 无穷尽(Afraid of distressing you, I stay away endlessly), Lan Zhan happened to look back.
Wei Wuxian could have fixed it. He could have looked away immediately. Except that he couldn't. He just couldn't; the moment their eyes met there was that electricity, that crackling energy you can only get when you're really connecting with someone onstage. When you're both totally in the moment and the audience is secondary. And you don't just throw that shit away or pretend it never happened!
He'd thought Lan Zhan would look away on the next line. Or that he'd look away when his chorus started again. Or... or something. But he couldn't, and he's pretty sure Lan Zhan couldn't either, because it was just too fucking good.
So they... spent the last two choruses singing directly to each other about their doomed love. And it was fucking incredible, and he knows it was a great performance.
It's just not what they'd intended to do. But hey, that's how it goes! Performing in front of a live audience is like that sometimes! Is he maybe a little bit worried that maybe he left a little too much of himself onstage, that it's possible Lan Zhan could tell that it maybe wasn't a hundred percent an act? Yeah, sure, maybe, whatever. Didn't matter, doesn't matter. When you catch lightning in a bottle for one brief moment, you don't dump it out. You've gotta appreciate that shit. Maybe it took him by surprise, maybe he's a bit thrown, but in a good way!
He's still coming down off the high as they make their way backstage.
"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan says in a soft, urgent voice the second they're off camera. "I am so sorry."
Wei Wuxian jerks to a stop. "What the hell are you sorry about?" he whispers. "Sorry that we won?"
"That was... not what we had rehearsed," Lan Zhan starts haltingly, looking worried.
"It wasn't, but it was good! Look, let's debrief about it later, back at the apartment. In private," Wei Wuxian says. If he's feeling some kind of way about the whole thing, Lan Zhan must be too. It'll be good for them to talk about how it went.
Lan Zhan nods, and they finish their walk down the hall to receive their congratulations from the other singers.
All through the confessional and the drive home, Wei Wuxian can feel the tension coming off of Lan Zhan in waves. He is really freaked out about this, isn't he? He was probably not prepared for things to get a tiny bit gay. Wei Wuxian really hopes he's just taken off guard and not, like, actively homophobic. He's been fine with Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan, but sometimes it can be fine for other people but a guy can't handle it if anything implies it about him in even the tiniest way.
The moment they're inside, Lan Zhan turns to him. "I apologize if I made you uncomfortable tonight."
"I.. what? No? What? Why do you think you made me uncomfortable?"
"After our second performance, you seemed... off. While we were answering questions, and even after we sat back down to watch the last performance. Nervous, perhaps. Tense."
"Do I seem nervous or tense now?"
"...No. But while the cameras were on."
"I wasn't nervous, definitely. Kind of keyed up, yeah. Mostly it was just that part of my head was stuck back in the performance, so I was kinda having trouble focusing."
Lan Zhan does not looks convinced. "Still. I should not have sung directly to you during a love song. We have discussed this many times and your boundaries have been clear. I am usually much more aware of how my behavior can make straight men uncomfortable, even onstage—"
"Woah, wait, hold up." Wei Wuxian grabs the back of a nearby chair, the whiplash so strong he thinks it might actually make him dizzy. "Here I was assuming that you were freaking out because things got kinda gay onstage, but you're saying you're... not part of 'straight men'?"
Lan Zhan freezes. "I... assumed you knew I was gay."
"Ah. No. That is not on your Baidu Baike page," Wei Wuxian says with a bit of a laugh. Oh, he is so fucked.
Lan Zhan turns away, sighing deeply. "Then I have just made things worse."
"No! Stop..." Wei Wuxian waves his hands around wildly. "Stop whatever this is. Lan Zhan, look at me. Please." Lan Zhan turns back to him, if a bit reluctantly. "I am not homophobic. I am super fine with what happened during our performance tonight. Shit gets a little gay onstage sometimes, in the whole rush of the performance, it's fine! Did you not notice that I was super into it, too? I could've looked away at any time, too." Lan Zhan looks slightly less upset. "I mean, I came up in K-pop, I'm used to people shipping me with my bandmates, doing fan service so the fangirls can write their fic. It's cool. We'll definitely have a CP supertopic once this airs, and that's generally a good sign. People will get invested!"
Unfortunately, Lan Zhan's eyebrows have been slowly coming together since about the word K-pop. "You are used to... what? I don't understand most of what you just said."
Wei Wuxian lets out a big, whooshing breath. He was definitely not planning on having to explain all that tonight. "Okay, uh, let's take this to the living room so we can sit the fuck down. Do you want some tea or something? I need something a little stronger than that, but I know you don't drink; I'm not sure what we've got right now besides booze and tea."
"Yes, please," Lan Zhan says, still looking a bit mystified and goes to sit down on the couch while Wei Wuxian gets their drinks and tries to decide exactly what and how much he's going to explain to Lan Zhan.
He comes back and hands Lan Zhan a mug of green tea before sitting down in the armchair across from him with his own whiskey. "Okay, so, young idols need to be single and available, right? So their teen and early-20s fans can imagine themselves dating them. Have you heard that before?" Lan Zhan shakes his head, looking slightly horrified. "Okay, well, now you know. So you get this situation where these girls want to read and write stories about their idols in romantic situations so they can imagine it's with them, but they don't want to read about you dating some other girl. Some people write, like, self-insert stories where the reader pretends they're in the story. But since they assume none of us can be gay for real, they can also write stories about guys dating their bandmates without feeling like the other guy in the story is actually their 'competition,' so to speak. So a lot of boy bands, or young guys who star in shows together, they'll flirt onstage and in interviews and stuff because the CP fans like it, and the other fans can ignore it because they know it's fake."
"And... they wrote these stories about you?" Lan Zhan asks.
Wei Wuxian nods as he takes drink. "Yeah, actually, me and this other guy in the group, Lee Min-Soo, we were the big CP. I have no idea how that happened—I guess one time we play-wrestled and some fans latched onto that? Something like that. But yeah, we'd flirt onstage, or whenever we were on camera. Make eyes at each other, touch more than we really needed to, make finger hearts or hand hearts at each other, sing to each other. There are always some fans that think it's real, but most of them just think it's cute and gives them fodder for their stories and fantasies. So anyhow, the point is, believe it or not, I know how to do fan service. I am actually very used to flirting with guys onstage."
It's the truth, and in no way touches what happened tonight. He never once had the kind of actual chemistry with Min-Soo that he had with Lan Zhan tonight. They didn't even have, like, normal non-homoerotic chemistry unless they forced it. It wasn't like they didn't like each other or anything, but before people started shipping them they were probably the two bandmates who hung out the least. He still has no idea why the fandom chose them as the Official Couple (it's not like they were the only two who play-wrestled!), and he's not sure he could have survived several years of it if they had had this kind of chemistry.
And that's not even getting into the part where Wei Wuxian was in no way into Min-Soo, but is at a minimum desperately attracted to his current singing partner—maybe even, he might have to admit, has an active crush on him. Add that to the stage chemistry, and this is actually completely new territory for him, whether with guys or girls.
Unfortunately, Lan Zhan is, Wei Wuxian is learning, frustratingly perceptive. "I see. But you were clearly uncomfortable with some aspect of our performance tonight. You say you were 'keyed up,' but you seemed almost subdued sometimes. Distracted."
Wei Wuxian sighs. "It just took me by surprise. It's not what we rehearsed, but actually it's way better than what we rehearsed! I just wasn't expecting..." I wasn't expecting any of this. "The energy was amazing, right, but it was a lot, you gotta agree with that, like that was—" Electric? Intoxicating? Everything feels too honest, like they'll tell Lan Zhan exactly how he's really feeling about the whole thing. "We've never had that kind of chemistry on stage so far," he settles for. "I think I was just still processing it a little, y'know?" Which is the truth, if not the whole truth.
Lan Zhan looks unconvinced. "You're certain? You're comfortable having chemistry onstage with a gay man during a love song?"
"Are you kidding me? It was incredible, exactly the kind of thing everyone wants onstage—doesn't matter if it reads romantic or platonic or whatever, no matter who it's with. I mean, you agree, right? You want that kind of connection with the person you're playing off of." Lan Zhan nods. "So yeah, I'm just. I think I'm having a bit of an adrenaline drop now, actually." He finishes off his whiskey. "Yeah, I'm probably gonna head to bed early tonight. But yeah, I think we should lean into it, honestly. See if we can catch that kind of magic again."
"Lean into it?" Lan Zhan asks. "You want to do another love song to try and capture the same energy between us?"
"Exactly! Not every song, but we gotta at least try a couple times."
"For the... fan service." Lan Zhan says slowly.
Wei Wuxian shrugs. "Yeah. But also because it just makes for a really great performance. The fan service angle can't hurt, though."
Lan Zhan sits silently for a moment staring into his teacup, clearly deep in thought. Wei Wuxian is about to stand up and announce that he's going to bed when Lan Zhan finally looks up.
"I... do not know if that is a good idea."
"Okay," Wei Wuxian says, drawing it out. "Why?"
"I am not sure that I would be comfortable with you..." He seems to be feeling around for words as he speaks. "With any man I'm onstage with who isn't specifically playing a role that the audience knows is fictional, pretending to be gay, pretending to be attracted to me, for the sake of a good show." He looks directly at Wei Wuxian. "I am not saying I'm judging you for having done that, or for doing it in the future. But as a gay man, I'm not sure I would be comfortable participating."
Wei Wuxian nods slowly. "Yeah. I get that. That's totally valid." He looks down at his empty glass and makes a really stupid decision. "Hang on, I'm gonna need another drink."
He leaves Lan Zhan looking confused in the living room, intending to pour himself another finger of whiskey. But he looks at the bottle, puts it back, and instead pours himself a generous portion of baijiu. By the time he's sat back down, he's managed to convince himself that it's not a really stupid thing to do, except for how it is. He takes a sip of the drink, reconsiders, and downs the rest in two gulps. It burns.
"Okay, so, I'm gonna say some stuff? And the thing is, the stuff isn't just about me. So I need you to swear that you will not repeat any of this to another soul, ok? Not even your brother."
Lan Zhan frowns, looking more concerned about Wei Wuxian than anything. "Of course."
"So... you're not comfortable with all this stuff if it involves a straight guy pretending to be gay onstage, right? When the audience doesn't know for sure he's pretending?" Lan Zhan nods hesitantly. "What if it's with a guy who's... not straight? Even if the audience doesn't necessarily know that, but if you knew."
Lan Zhan's eyes widen slightly. "Wei Ying..."
"So, funny story." He hops up and starts pacing the room. This is just not a story he can tell while sitting in one place. He keeps the empty cup in his hand to fidget with. "Y'know how the fans shipped me with Min-Soo? That was actually kind of hilarious because, ah... they had the wrong bandmate!" He laughs nervously, running a hand through his hair, which then comes loose from its half-ponytail. He grunts and puts the ponytail holder on his wrist—if his hair is down, it can serve as a convenient barrier between him and Lan Zhan.
"The wrong bandmate?" Lan Zhan prompts.
"Yeah, turns out I was hooking up with Wang Jiutang the whole time!" Wei Wuxian says with a slightly manic-sounding laugh. "I mean, y'know, we, ah, called it hooking up, even though it was... definitely more than that. We both knew that, but we didn't talk about it. You can imagine, having debuted pretty recently after going through idol training, still under our management's thumb, especially back then—it wasn't really a healthy place... well, in general, there was nothing healthy about it, but for two teenagers to try to have a relationship? It was a little fucked up. Not even our bandmates knew. I had to go onstage and flirt with Min-Soo, and hold his hand during interviews and shit, and he didn't even know I was fucking the guy sitting on the other side of him. Man, y'know, I really try not to even think about that stuff because it always hits me just how fucked up our whole situation was."
"So you were... sleeping with one of your other male bandmates," Lan Zhan says. "The entire time you were in the group?"
"Ehhhhh, not quite. I was only 16 when we debuted, he was a little older, we didn't get together until a couple years later. Which is also about when the shipping started. I'm pretty sure we'd already hooked up a few times before the CP with Min-Soo really took hold." Wei Wuxian finally sits back down. "On the other end... well. As far as I know, none of the other guys realize this, even to this day, but, ah... Jiutang and I breaking up kind of led to the breakup of the group. There were other issues, but it was no secret that we'd had a 'falling-out' of some kind."
"Oh," Lan Zhan says.
"So we were together, or sort of but not fully together, or whatever we were, for like three years," Wei Wuxian finishes. "And before you ask, yes, I absolutely do have issues from my first relationship being a secret closet affair with a guy I had to spend like 24/7 with while flirting publicly with another guy and dealing with the pressures of being a mid-level K-pop idol. Honestly, I think the reason I was more successful when I went solo was less to do with either my or their talent and more to do with just being away from that whole... thing." He finishes with a sigh. It feels like there should be more—it consumed three years of his life, he shouldn't be able to tell the story in a minute or two—but he can't think of anything else that needs to be said right now.
"Thank you. For telling me that," Lan Zhan says quietly. "Does anyone else know?"
Wei Wuxian laughs nervously. "Besides my therapist? I don't know who he might have told since then, Jiutang, I mean, but for me it's only my sister and Nie Huaisang."
"Nie Huaisang?"
"I told you, we went through training together," Wei Wuxian says. "When he left to form Headshaker, we stayed in touch, he was still my best friend for a long time. And he lived for the K-pop gossip. Believe it or not, he can keep a secret like a locked safe. And wield them like weapons when people get on his bad side, don't let his goofy persona fool you."
"I will keep that in mind," Lan Zhan says drily, and Wei Wuxian laughs for real. "Wei Ying, truly. I am honored that you trust me enough to tell me all this."
Wei Wuxian smiles at him, and he's tired and emotionally drained and has all his defenses down right now and it's probably a much more honest smile that he intends. Right now he might tell Lan Zhan anything he asks, which is bad. Hopefully Lan Zhan doesn't ask much.
"So there you go. I'm definitely not straight, either. I'm not gay, I like girls, too. I haven't been with a guy since then. For a lot of reasons. I haven't really dated anyone in a few years." He shrugs. "I'm just not interested in that many people like that, honestly."
"I am the same way," Lan Zhan murmurs. The way he is looking at Wei Wuxian as he says it... is something Wei Wuxian is WAY too tired to fully process right now. If he doesn't full-on hardcore ignore it, he's gonna do something stupid like climb into Lan Zhan's lap.
Maybe... If Lan Zhan still looks at him like that when he's not exhausted. And fully sober. And fully able to interpret looks correctly. But we're not going to worry about that right now!! We're going to ignore it!
"I have one question," Lan Zhan finally says. "You have been very careful, with nearly every song we've picked, to ensure that this kind of thing did not happen, that the audience would not interpret it as a love song between two men. If you're comfortable with that, why have you been avoiding it so assiduously?"
"Well, obviously I assumed you wouldn't want it," Wei Wuxian says. "Most guys don't want to go anywhere near that. And there wasn't really any reason to ask if you would, because the default is basically not to go for that kind of chemistry on shows like this, even for guy/girl pairs. I mean, it's not not unheard of—if I were paired with a woman your age, and she wanted to take a song in that direction, I'd be fine with it, but I probably wouldn't suggest it myself. I'd just default to avoiding it."
"I see."
"Okay, I have got to get to bed," Wei Wuxian says as he jumps up from the chair. "Uh, anyhow. Think about it. Whether you'd be okay with the fan service thing. Like I said, the audience wouldn't know about me, but most of them probably don't know you're gay, either. We can talk about it more later if you want."
"Good night, Wei Ying."
Wei Wuxian stops as he gets to his bedroom door and risks one more look at Lan Zhan. "Night, Lan Zhan."
He tells himself, as he gets into pajamas, does his nightly skincare routine, and brushes his teeth, that telling Lan Zhan all that totally makes sense. It was a completely rational thing to do to make him more comfortable with the idea of playing up their onstage chemistry. He had no ulterior motive at all.
He falls asleep to the sound of Lan Zhan's guqin.